Don’t Let the Dog Urine (or the Ants) Get You Down

I came home the other night after an 11-hour work day in reasonably good spirits, took my dogs out, poured a glass of wine, walked into the bedroom and found a puddle of dog urine on my bed. 

This has started to occur with some frequency.

And for a few minutes, I started to melt down. Every self-pitying thought about coping with things alone, and how no one ever takes care of me, and how my life (along with my apartment) is a fucking mess, etc. came flooding into my brain and I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. And then I rolled into a ball (away from the puddle) and lay there wishing my life were different. 

And then I went through a litany in my head of all my failings, of everything I need to get done that I haven’t done because I’m always too busy or too sad or too happy or too lonely or too something. 

And I lay there for a few minutes longer wishing someone would just take care of all these things for me. 

And then … I got my shit together, and started thinking of very practical solutions to my problems which brought that downward spiral of thoughts to a halt. 

Everything I don’t like about my life is my responsibility, and I can change it. They’re small things anyway, because most of the time, I rather love my life. Yes, I wish I had a clean, antless apartment all the time and dogs that always behaved and no debt and a car that didn’t make annoying noises all the time. 

But I don’t really want someone to take care of everything for me. It’s my life. All mine. I wake up in the morning and every decision about my day is mine to make. 

This is not a small thing. I feel like I’ve always put myself in positions where I was relieved of the ability to make choices. (That’s oversimplified and sounds rather dramatic, but it will take another blog post to write about what I feel about freedom vs security and the ability to make choices about one’s life. Next time, maybe.)

And it’s all temporary. I won’t always work so much. I won’t always live paycheck to paycheck and have a ridiculous amount of debt. I won’t always have dogs. (I kid. I love those monsters.) I’ll eventually find a guy who is smart and funny and loving and respects my autonomy who isn’t already married or a work of fiction. 

Or awkward. Or predatory. Which seems to be mostly what I attract. One or the other. Possibly both. 

It’s a journey. If nothing else, my life is teaching me patience. And I was inordinately proud of myself for jumping off that train of negativity. If I can consistently do that, I’ll be fine. 

2 thoughts on “Don’t Let the Dog Urine (or the Ants) Get You Down

  1. Michelle

    Some moments feel incredibly overwhelming. I will take those, not happily but I will, over the sense that I am dependent upon and obligated to another for survival. That doesn’t stop me in my darkest times from curling up in a ball and wishing something would sweep down from above and make it all right and hand me the correct choices. But in the end I would not get rid of those times if it meant losing the sense that I have full ownership of myself and my life. Nothing is greater than that for me.

    I believe in you. You want this so you will make this. Despite the bits that hurt so bad that it feels like something is searing through your core, it will all be worth it in the end. (I know you know this, but sometimes it’s nice to hear someone else say it.)

    Like

    Reply

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