I think I need therapy.
Also a new job. But it has to be one with health insurance since the Affordable Care Act is about to be gutted, and I’m getting divorced so I don’t have that particular safety net anymore.
I’ve been spoiled for too long, working for the first time in my career for someone who didn’t micromanage daily operations. But, alas, ‘tis no longer so. Not that it’s any one person’s fault, really. It’s the nature of the job. It takes a certain kind of person to not be pressurized by government work.
I’ve been writing about positivity and mental exercises to promote gratitude and all of those lovely idealistic things. And I believe in them, I do. But some days you just want to look your coworkers and your boss in the face and say, “Dude. Really?”
To a certain extent, I can do that, and I’m grateful for it. But it’s draining, and I don’t feel like it should be necessary. I’m too smart for this. I’m burnt out. I’ve been doing the same job with the same hateful, incompetent, complacent people for too long. I’m 37 years old. I still have talent and innovation and passion to invest in my work. And I WANT to.
It won’t happen here.
As for therapy, well … I thought I’d worked through a lot of my codependency issues, but they rear their ugly heads every once in awhile, and I think I might benefit from acknowledging them and getting some assistance. Preferably free assistance. A nice local CoDA meeting, perhaps.
I listened to a Q&A with the comedian Whitney Cummings today, and she addresses codependency in some detail. She refers to herself as a recovering codependent, and she has some great insights.
This probably sounds rather trite to anyone who doesn’t understand exactly what it means, but it isn’t. It’s a real thing. In my case, it’s very much tied to my childhood, my relationships with my parents, my marriage and my sense of self. My sense of reality, in many ways.
In the last 18 months, I’ve done a great deal of work to mitigate its effects. I’m thankful to the people who love me for being patient with my process. But more definitely needs to be done.
I don’t know exactly why this is all cropping up today. There’s something about great, looming, turbulent events that focuses the seemingly small, personal, internal conflicts.
But I think that convergence of what matters most in your own singular existence is, in fact, enormously important. There is very little we can do on the world stage (though not nothing – a subject for a different, near-future post). But there is so much we can do with ourselves.
I’m going to take a week off of work soon. No, let me put that differently. I’m taking a week off of my primary job so that I have an extended period of time to devote to two very important varieties of work:
1) Writing. I want to make a career out of writing. I have always wanted to make a career out of writing, from the first story told to me before I learned how to read on my own.
I am a storyteller. It’s who I am. And I haven’t been telling stories, because I’m so afraid of failing.
I am so afraid. And I will do it anyway. Because that is also who I am.
2) Devoting some very serious time to introspection, to examining my past and my behaviors and the many limiting beliefs I have cultivated and shattering them with a figurative hammer.
I am so very tired of meeting everyone’s expectations but my own. I am a strong and beautiful and intelligent and interesting woman. And I need no one to tell me how to think or what to do or what to be.
I want and need and crave an autonomy that I have never experienced and will not find in the work I am currently pursuing. That has to change. The sooner the better.
I wrote a letter the other day, from my 47-year-old self to me. She sounded calm and happy and wise. I want to be her.
And I don’t want to wait 10 years.